Reports of the horrific assault of two students at an all-boys school in Toronto involved several students holding down the victims while they were violently sexually assaulted.
My friend’s tragic and blindsiding loss of their precious, deeply loved infant.
The instantaneous and wholly unexpected death of a 31-year wife and mother next to the bed she and her loving husband shared.
307 mass shootings in the US in 2018.
These have all occurred within the last two weeks. The second and third happened to people in my family’s immediate social circles.
And these heartwrenching, unthinkable experiences are sadly only a tiny glimpse of the armada of deeply tragic moments happening across the globe on a daily basis.
When we’re rocked with the latest news of tragedy
Particularly as highly empathic people, witnessing or hearing of these experiences of profound pain can rock us to our very core. Whether it’s in the life of a friend, our community, our geo-political neighbours, or across the world.
- We ask ourselves what’s wrong with society, when mass shootings are nearly a daily occurrence in a country that is addicted to its right to bear arms. While that same country—and European countries—simultaneously lose interest in the beautiful mess of democracy, in the interest of having a dictator as the ultimate helicopter parent (check out the World Values Survey for more on that if you’re interested).
- We question how love, Spirit, God or goodness can prevail when parents have to say tearful goodbyes to their beautiful baby.
- Or when an otherwise healthy and loving parent and spouse suddenly passes, leaving a husband, children, community and life behind.
- We wonder what’s wrong with the world, that advantaged young people would even think to partake in such heinous mob mentality toward another young person.
As spiritual or pragmatic (or both) as many of us may be, it’s natural to experience deep grief, dismay and anger to witness these moments.
I’ll be honest. I was deeply saddened and beyond horrified at hearing of the assaulted student’s experience. And I was enraged when the news reported the quote of a parent of another student of the school; the parent’s comment was to rebuke the media for ruining the school’s reputation.
As if that even matters at this moment, when young people’s lives have been traumatized beyond measure. Yet the school’s reputation is where that parent had fixated.
Where does this leave us?
As I personally believe and have reiterated, sometimes we cannot control the circumstances that happen to us or to those around us.
Here’s the set of choices that is our own to make, and that is how we:
- Choose to see the world
- Opt to look at ourselves and others
- Decide to support ourselves and others
- Allow ourselves to feel in the long-term (yes, that is a choice)
Sure, that’s all well and good but where does this actually leave me in processing profound grief or horror? What can I actually DO about any of it? I always feel so helpless so I shut down or get overwhelmed.
Here are some suggested guidelines for processing painful emotions, thoughts and experiences as outside observers. Before that, I will briefly touch on my suggestions if you have been a victim of trauma, and if someone in your life has experienced a trauma.
I will refer to the experience of trauma to cover a range of painful experiences, whether it’s due to:
- Death
- Loss of any sort (loss taking place through abuse, family/relationship breakdown, betrayal of trust, destruction of place, etc.)
- Violent acts or ongoing violence (ranging from individual violence through to war)
- Any other form of experience that has a deeply distressing or disturbing impact psychologically or emotionally
As always, note that I am not a medical or psychiatric professional and you should seek services from appropriate professionals.
If you have been the victim of a trauma
If the trauma was recent
- Get help. Right now. Do not try to manage this on your own. None of that. Reach out to professional help right now.
- I strongly suggest finding a counsellor who does strength-based counselling and specializes in trauma.
- Be gentle with yourself, be compassionate with yourself. As you reorient your life, work closely with professionals who can help you regain your sense of engagement with life, yourself, and others.
If the trauma was a long time ago
- Get help. Right now. Acute or not, if you experienced trauma a long time ago and you’re still making decisions based on fear or avoidance, that trauma is still present with you.
- Find a counsellor who does goal-oriented, strength-based counselling (look up “strength-based counselling”) and who specializes in trauma. Just do it. Less avoidance, more fighting for yourself and your life.
- If the trauma was a long time ago, you need to be both gentle and firm with yourself. Be gentle toward the traumatized parts of yourself, and be firm to push yourself out of the inertia that’s kept you present in the trauma for so long.
You may not have had any control over what happened to you back then, but if you’re an adult, you are accountable for your choices now.
If someone in your life has experienced trauma
Each loved one will respond differently to trauma and grief. Contrary to popular belief, there is no neat, linear process of grief or trauma. It’s messy. Allow your loved one to rest in that emotional disarray for awhile.
- Recognize there is no set time for grief in particular, so if someone has lost someone, recognize there’s no set schedule by which they should magically feel better.
- For the love of all that is good, do NOT:
- Tell your loved one that they or their passed loved one is “better off”.
- Say that everything happens for a reason.
- Tell them to be strong.
- Even if you believe their loved one is better off, or that everything does happen for a reason, when they’re in the midst of raw pain is not the time.
- If you don’t know what to say to them, then just say that. Speak honestly that you can’t imagine what they’re going through, but that you’ll support them in any way they need. Then follow through.
- Offer practical ways to help them. Let them know you’ll just listen if they need to talk or cry to someone. And then follow through.
When you hear of yet another heartbreaking/enraging/horrific incident
This clearly applies to everyone, as we are exposed to daily news and reminders of just how far from perfect this world can be.
Last week, the news of the November 8, 2018 mass shooting in California flashed across a screen in my office building. One of the co-op students watched with me in dismay, and shared how easy it is to be desensitized when there’s just so much daily violence.
While desensitization is an option, I encourage us all to explore ways to more constructively process through receiving news of these incidents, so that we can maintain our own wellbeing, while also contributing to a more loving world around us.
Here are the steps I recommend.
Step 1: Allow the emotions to vibrate through you
Years ago I took some Russian self-defense. The key teaching was to go with the energy. The teacher explained that injury only occurs when you resist incoming energy.
This teaching applied to learning how to fall (we spent a solid month of classes just learning how to fall onto the ground without injury), and learning how to respond to an incoming punch or kick.
By learning to roll with the incoming physical energy, we would be uninjured, strong, and empowered to continue to engage.
Dealing with emotional energy is no different.
Emotions are energy like everything else in this physical world. So if you try to ignore your emotions or repress them, you’re actually injuring yourself.
In contrast, if you allow the emotions to come up, then you’re actually empowering yourself to remain strong and resilient.
So when you see a horrible story in the news, allow the emotions to bubble up. Honour those emotions.
Step 2: Open a healthy outlet when your soul is overwhelmed with anger and turmoil
You need to find a healthy outlet for the emotions. Allowing the emotions to bubble up is the first part of the Russian martial arts practice of going with the energy.
But then you need to allow the energy out of yourself to complete the cycle of going with the energy.
Personally, I jump onto a stationary bike at the gym, and do high intensity interval training (HIIT) on that for ten or fifteen minutes when I need to process rage and turmoil.
This was a key outlet for me a year and a half ago when memories of earlier sexual interference surfaced. This is also my go-to outlet for processing horrifying news like the school assault incident news.
Here are some options to consider, but as usual, find an option that works best for you:
- Scream into a pillow.
- Go for a hard run or do some cardio (assuming you’re in good cardio-vascular health).
- Go for a walk and silently share everything you’re feeling with the Universe/Spirit.
- Start taking a boxing or other plyometric class.
- Type out or write out all the words you want to say, and then (safely) burn them as a further release.
- Paint out everything you’re feeling.
Whatever you do, find a healthy outlet for the energy.
Outlets that are healthy:
- Allow the energy and emotions you’re experiencing to come up and out.
- Do not direct or result in any physical, spiritual, or mental aggression toward any living creature, yourself included.
Not only is it in fact an act of violence to direct any form of aggression (even mentally) toward another being, but it’s also not wise.
In energetic circles, it’s understood that even thinking negative thoughts toward someone is an energetic act. And if they don’t accept receipt of your negative energy, it’ll just come back to you, so you’ll be piling on the negative energy to yourself.
Step 3: Choose to send love
To victims. Because their lives have been tumultuously wrenched into a place of trauma, and they need all the love and healing they can get.
And to the perpetrators. Yes. To the perpetrators. If you need a reminder about why anyone in their right mind would send love to the perpetrator of a heinous act, check out this previous post on sending love to a**holes.
It can be hard to imagine why we would ever want to send love and healing to perpetrators of incomprehensible violence.
- For example, it’s true that the life of the students who were assaulted will never be the same.
- It’s also true that neither will the lives of their perpetrators ever be the same, now that they have the memories of choosing to participate in such an unfathomable act of violence.
- While it’s possible perhaps one of those perpetrating students is psychopathic and/or sadistic, it’s unlikely they all are. And now they have imprinted the self-creation of deep destruction onto the fabric of their being.
That doesn’t just go away, folks. Those perpetrators have a seriously harrowing life ahead of them now, and it won’t be an easy journey for themselves, nor for their victims. Regardless of how advantaged any of their families may be.
So choose love instead hatred. If you need a reminder on how to send love to someone, this is the post on how to do that.
Step 4: If you’re just too dismayed/angry to send love, repeat steps 1 and 2
Give yourself some time, and repeat steps 1 and 2 until you can choose love.
Sending love will be a choice, though. It’s also a choice to remain in hatred, and I strongly encourage you to push yourself to find love for the entire situation.
Illusion of separation
Something to consider if you find yourself unable or unwilling to choose love, is the idea that separation is just an illusion.
This is a concept I’m still working to better understand. But it’s the notion that the separation of us and them does not exist spiritually. That we’re all one, that we all come from Source. Regardless of whether you buy the idea of the illusion of separation, I would encourage you to consider that any hatred is low frequency, and that all it takes is a seed of a loving idea or a hateful idea to grow into an act of love or an act of terror.
Based on that, I would also ask you to consider that not a single one of us is perfect, and not a single person has never felt hatred. So when you see someone else who has acted out on hatred, consider that their behaviour is a mirror of where you could have gone, where you still could go. Consider seeing those moments with a lens of humility. They’re good reminders that we must continually choose love.
Here’s an analogy. If we don’t shower regularly, or if we don’t clean our homes regularly, our bodies/homes will become increasingly dirty. Just a fact. We must choose to regularly clean ourselves and our homes.
For whatever reason, some people may not have access to a shower or to a home. Or others may not clean their homes as frequently as others may. Others may clean their bodies more frequently than others.
There is a wide range of possibilities. And it’s easy to see how someone could experience something impactful, and end up on a trajectory that results in virtually never (and then never, ever) cleaning their bodies and homes.
Humility and love
So choose humility and choose love.
To be clear, this does not mean making yourself a doormat. Being humble is really the ability to take responsibility for your own choices, without hotheadedness.
A useful experiment I’ll share with you, was shared with me by a friend. When she sees terrible news, or dire situations, she’ll choose to recognize the illusion of separation, and will tell herself, “There I go again.”
Whether she sees the latest heartbreak on the news, or cycles past altercations between addicts on the streets of the city, or if someone acts out, she’ll remind herself, “There I go again.”
Step 5: Don’t try to make sense of it
Some people in spiritual circles say that we’ve all chosen our lives and our life lessons before we came to this world. Which, by default, suggests that being a victim of unfathomable pain is our own fault.
Not helpful. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t buy it.
Some people in religious circles say that it’s for the best when someone passes, that they’re in a better place.
Not helpful. The best place for anyone to be is in their loved one’s arms.
- If you have or take up a regular meditation practice (remember to balance both concentrative and contemplative), your brain will begin to learn how to observe a situation and to simply be with the situation.
- Whether or not you can make sense of it.
- You’ll realize you don’t need to make sense of it. Frequently there is no sense to be made of horrifying situations, and it’s okay to rest in that.
- Just like we don’t actually need to know whether or not past lives are a thing (because what matters is the life and choices we’re living and making here in this present), we don’t need to make sense of the senseless.
Not an easy post, but I hope this also leaves you with some concrete steps to take when you’re inundated by heartbreaking incidents in current events. And I hope this gives you a sense of how to support those around you who may be hurting.
Remember that we cannot control the circumstances that happen to us or to those around us. But we can always choose how we look at the world, and what we do with our emotional energy.
Resources
I am not being compensated to share these resources, and neither do I necessarily endorse them. Do your research and find what works for you.
Crisis
- Suicide prevention (Canada): https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/
- Suicide prevention (US): https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
- Or dial 911 or your local emergency number.
- There may also be other distress centres and websites if you look up suicide prevention.
Professional counselling
- Online counselling: https://www.betterhelp.com/