So, empath friends – how many of you relate to holding yourself back, not speaking up, clamping up, or feeling like others just walk all over you/your feelings? And then you see that not everyone experiences that? Including other nice people? Today’s post talks about how to be assertive, and what being assertive is not.
Will being assertive make you a jerk?
First, let’s clear up something. Assertive is not the same as angry. Assertive is being grounded and aligned internally about what is okay and what is not.
For example, I do not accept disrespectful behaviour toward myself. If someone is disrespectful toward me, I find a way to simultaneously de-escalate while also drawing a very clear line in the sand (yes, that’s a skill and yes it works).
But I don’t behave in an angry way. Deal with the emotional impact later, but respond with assertiveness in the moment.
This wasn’t always easy for me
I did not always used to have this skill. I used to be super oppressed, repressed and depressed and lived with complex PTSD. So I truly understand what it’s like to feel silenced, trampled and “hunkered down”.
You know what’s cool about learning the skill of assertion? The more practice you get at being assertive in a healthy way, the less silenced/walked over you become. Because people know what you will tolerate and what you will not.
The secret about assertiveness
Because here’s the secret: ASSERTIVENESS IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES.
It’s not about being someone you’re not. And it doesn’t need to have anything to do with personality. Assertiveness is a skill. Skills can be learned.
Let’s do an experiment.
If you are not practiced in assertion, know that you can be more assertive without being an a**hole.
In fact, what might FEEL aggressive from you probably just sounds straightforward to others. It just FEELS aggressive initially because you’re not used to it.
Notice a moment (I suggest choosing moments that are NOT high stakes to practice) where you can try out being assertive.
Maybe you speak up in a meeting where you wouldn’t usually. Or maybe you insist on someone spelling or pronouncing your name correctly.
Just play with it a little. It’s just an experiment. Try it out a few times in low stakes situations, then notice how other people respond. Notice how it feels.
It’s about respecting yourself
Know that it is healthy to assert your boundaries. In fact, ensuring your boundaries are respected is you respecting yourself.
I believe you can do this. It might feel scary in the moment. But so is learning how to ride a bike. So was your first day of school. And so was the first day on your job. You can do this. Your higher Self thanks you for learning how to ensure your WHOLE self is respected.
You can read more posts on how to empower yourself here. I suggest you also read this post about how you can do daily energy protection for empaths!