It was the summer of 2003. It was dark because it was late night. But it was also dark because I was hitting rock bottom. Not from any substance abuse issues.
Just because it felt like my life was falling apart and I had zero support systems.
I hadn’t seen it coming. But the loss of two core support systems in my life compounded with other realities to produce a sense of hopelessness and despair that felt beyond what I could handle.
Acute issue 1: Messy breakup with the guy I was completely in love with at the time
Let’s call him Bob (not his real name, but to protect his identity). There were some hard lines I wasn’t willing to cross. We were both single (don’t worry, he wasn’t married or anything and neither was I), but we had very different belief systems that were incompatible for us at the time.
I’d been clear about my beliefs from the start, as he had been about his, but we had continued to see each other, had fallen in love, and it just wasn’t going to work without one of us seriously compromising our beliefs.
My heart was shattered. We’d both thought we could make it work. Or rather, we both hoped the other might change their mind.
But two horses trying to pull a cart opposite ways just doesn’t work. So we broke up in fits and starts until both our hearts were shredded.
To make matters worse, before we’d fallen in love, we were close friends. So lost not only my love, but also my friend.
Acute issue 2: Abandonment by my best friend at the time
My best friend at the time and I were very close. Let’s call her Betty (again, not her real name). We worked similar shifts, and any time during which I wasn’t on shift, tutoring, volunteering, or spending with Bob, I was spending with my best friend. Her home was my home. My car was her car. Her family became my family.
I’d always been clear with her too that if things ever looked like they were going to get really serious with Bob, one of us would have to change our belief systems. She and her partner always seemed supportive of that. That my beliefs were my own and that was cool.
And then when Bob and I broke up, suddenly Betty and her partner switched gears. Her partner sat me down and told me I was breaking Bob’s heart and how dare I.
I didn’t understand at the time how Betty and her partner could go from being supportive of my decisions, to taking an opposite stance.
Had it stopped there, it would have been manageable. But then Betty and her partner wouldn’t talk to me. I even showed up at their house, as I always did, and neither would acknowledge that I was actually physically there.
Talk about being invisible.
Compounding issues
No family support + unacknowledged history of trauma
My own family of origin, as I’ve mentioned before, was never a picnic. Or, perhaps it was the kind of picnic that happens in an apocalyptic movie where the happy picnicking people get eaten alive by zombies.
I hadn’t yet realized or acknowledged that I’d had an abusive upbringing. It might sound weird that someone doesn’t realize that being beaten, screamed at, sexually objectified, and emotionally manipulated by their parents is abuse.
But that’s actually super common. Most kids assume that everyone else experiences what they experience. And then of course there are all of the threats of more violence or damage if the child tells anyone.
So the silence begets more silence.
Regardless to say, I didn’t have a nurturing support system in them.
Other friends were bound by anxiety disorders
Two other friends of mine were at heart loving people, and they also both suffered from significant anxiety disorders, so it was often difficult to connect with them, to receive support from them.
They were both constantly bound by their own anxiety. I didn’t hold it against them. But I also couldn’t seek or receive the support I desperately needed.
Insufficient physiological nourishment
It didn’t help that I was working the graveyard shift at minimum wage. At a fundamental level, my physiological needs were certainly not being met.
Back to my late night drive.
I was driving through the country backroads near the small town I had called home for the previous two years.
The weight of the wrenching pain in every fibre of my being was just too much. In one fell swoop, I had lost my most intimate relationships and support systems, and had so much unresolved, unacknowledged trauma buried deep in my bones.
The one remaining support was God/Spirit/Universe, whom I will call God, because that’s the name I’ve always used.
I didn’t believe in suicide. But I couldn’t reconcile my shredded soul to continuing on.
I started a conversation with God. I said that I just didn’t think I could actually go any further. That in life I had tried so hard, for so long. But that it was just too much. And I knew that the Bible said that we’re never given more than we can handle, but in that moment, I just didn’t know how I could possibly handle any more pain. And what would it matter anymore anyway, since there wasn’t really anyone in my life who genuinely loved me anyway. I decided then that I would gain speed, and at the next large tree, ram my car into the tree at full speed.
At that very moment, I was shocked out of my pain-drenched planning.
Dancing in the sky above the nearby small town were the northern lights.
Let’s be really clear about two things.
- First, I had not been drinking, nor was I on any other substances.
- Second, this was not a northern small town. This small town is in south-central Ontario, maybe an hour out of Toronto. Which is pretty far south by Canadian terms, and is significantly further south than a number of continental American cities. The northern lights are not an expected occurrence there.
And yet here I was, witnessing the northern lights, while still in conversation with God and moments before taking my own life.
I got the message.
I slowed down, I broke down into sobs. I sat and witnessed this powerful phenomenon.
Was everything magically fixed? No, of course not. Life was still a struggle for awhile, but I knew I had to keep pushing forward. I started considering what my career options could be, I found a serving job at a golf/ski resort that had better pay, and I applied to college. In working with a wonderful counsellor when I went to college, I finally recognized my abusive upbringing for what it was.
Although working through and healing those compounded layers of trauma was a multi-year journey, that first aha was what allowed me to pursue my healing.
There would still be a number of considerable challenges ahead of me, but I’ll share more on those in other posts.
What’s the takeaway?
Why did I tell you about this dark moment? I share all this because life hasn’t always been filled with love for me. I haven’t always been in a place of power.
Just because I’ve been growing in my power, rooted in love now, doesn’t mean it’s always been like this. I remember what hopeless feels like. I remember what searing soul pain feels like.
Less hopelessness, more self-love.
I’m not sharing a new tool today, but I’m not leaving you empty-handed either.
Step 1: No giving into hopelessness. If you need help, get it.
- There are 24/7 crisis hotlines (see links in resources). Access them if you need them.
- There are twelve-step programs if you’re facing an addiction (see link in resources). Access them if you need them.
- Unconditional Love/Spirit/Universe is there with you too (see 30-day homework). Access them because they’re there for you and love you.
You are worth it, you are worth it, you are worth it.
Step 2: While you access professionals who can help you process your pain (see resources), support yourself.
- 30-day homework. Step by step, I walk you through this amazing homework by Rachel Stavis, with options for you regardless of what your religious/spiritual beliefs are.
- Sending love to yourself. While this post was originally about sending love to people who mistreat you, you can just do steps one and two to send love to yourself.
We all recognize that life will not always be easy. But it doesn’t need to mean that life will always be painful, either.
Pain happens, and it doesn’t matter whether you think you could have prevented the pain or not; if it’s in your life, all you can do is decide how you will respond. How you will push through with self-compassion and firm determination.
You’ve got this. Hang in there.
Resources
I am not being compensated to share these links.
Crisis
- Suicide prevention (Canada): https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/
- Suicide prevention (US): https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
- Or dial 911 or your local emergency number.
There may also be other distress centres and websites if you look up suicide prevention.
Substance Dependence
- Alcoholics Anonymous: https://www.aa.org/
Professional counselling
- Online counselling: https://www.betterhelp.com/